Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
