Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*