Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
181.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
me irl
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.