Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
sugar glider wrangler
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
next question.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??