Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
You Might Also Like
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”