Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
You Might Also Like
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.