Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.