Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.