Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.