Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
how to exercise your calf muscles
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
going to bed
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS