Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope