Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

🤣could you imagine

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

Love thy neighbor’s dog

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time