Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]