dads on road-trips be like
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
