dads on road-trips be like
You Might Also Like
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A customer told me they were never coming back….
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.