Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.


For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why


It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.


[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this


my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.


Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.


Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.


The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.