“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
this has to be peak English
my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.