Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea