@iLikeCatShirts

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

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@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

@AntozWolf

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

@mrjohndarby

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

@ahoytheboat

my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.

@Stap_Jr

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

@NotOnTheMoors

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.