Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Oceanography is all about current events
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.