Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?