Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
HERE’S MARKY
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.