Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I put the h in mysterious.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille