Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way