Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

life lately

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.