Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
You Might Also Like
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me trying to reach for my goals
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.