Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

Hey i am sexy to you now

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.