Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Facebook memories be like
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies