Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]