Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows