Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

5 ways to appear taller

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.