Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.