Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Nomnomnomnom
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Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Anyone want a chair?
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10