Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i know

ME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.