Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
You Might Also Like
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
You got this…
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!