Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
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Teach your children to beatbox
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.