“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
