“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
feetloaf
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break