“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Somebody call the cops.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
📽️movie date🎞️
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”