Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.