“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
You Might Also Like
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.