Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Haha! 😂
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”