Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.