Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Hoping to spice up my evening
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.