Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*