Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

HOW DARE YOU

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok