Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language