watergate? u mean a dam??
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.