Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

shampoo implies shampee

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I’m not lazy