Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.