Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.