Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
All right then, keep your secrets
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Netflix and scream at our children?!
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.