Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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WHY?!
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
wtf is a larm clock?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?