Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
You Might Also Like
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.