Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…