* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Like sleeping!
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole