* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.