dam girl
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable