dam girl
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.