Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me