Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Guy who likes music
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.