Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

looks legit

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.