Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
![]()
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars