Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
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[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My daily affirmation
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard