Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually