Dammit Chief not again
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born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
WHY?!
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*