Dammit Chief not again
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.