Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I think the cat got the dog high.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Best mom ever 😂
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.