Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
![]()
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”