Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.