“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not