dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
You Might Also Like
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*