Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade