Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again