Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today