Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
happy halloween
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.