Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Favourite diary entry ever
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!