Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.