Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

😬

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.